Toil & Trouble (Audio Script)

Stories

“Shouldn’t we be walking around the graves? Instead of over them?

It’s, like, bad luck to walk on someone’s grave, right?”

“Wait, seriously?

Shit, I haven’t been paying attention.”

“I think you’re just not supposed to stand on someone’s grave.

Oh! Also, it’s bad luck to point at one.”

“I heard on this podcast one time that people used to think it was bad luck to leave the graveside before the coffin was lowered in.

And if it rained into an open grave, then that meant someone in the deceased’s family was going to die within the year.”

“You’re just… casually listening to podcasts about cemetery superstitions these days?”

“It’s worse than that.

Our house basically looks like a Halloween store right now.”

Can’t believe we’re in the middle of nowhere on Halloween night…

best night of the year and we’re spending it in a generic motel room in the most boring small town I’ve ever come across.

I could be at Dante’s party right now scaring the crap out of people in his homemade haunted house…

or at least sitting on our porch handing out candy in my full zombie prosthetics.

But nooooo, this tour just had to fall on Halloween.

I mean, whatever, I am glad to be here with both of you.

It’s nice being on the road with just you and Camilla.

That last tour we did as a band was rough, what with having to sleep and travel in the van.

Now that the gear is being driven to the venues separately, we’ve got way more time and space to just enjoy the drive.

Enjoy each other.

I wonder if we’ll get a chance to talk about where things stand with the three of us.

Being in a band with my girlfriend and her ex is… not as weird as I thought it would be.

You and Camilla are over.

Totally over, and I know that.

But you two still flirt.

I don’t know if either of you realize it, but you do.

And I don’t blame you!

I get it.

You were together for so long before you and I got together.

Whatever, I’m getting distracted.

Need to focus on not stepping into an open grave.

I may not be celebrating Halloween the way I typically do, but it’s all good.

I’m making the best of it by dragging you two on this midnight cemetery walk with me.

I’m glad I didn’t have to twist your arm to make you come with.

Camilla on the other hand…

“So, that’s why we’re walking all over people’s graves getting hundreds of years of bad luck right now?

’Cause Lucas is obsessed with getting scared?”

“C’mon, you don’t get the slightest bit of pleasure from this?”

“I’m mostly cold.”

“Yeah, babe, I know you’re a little thrill-seeker, but… there’s not much thrill happening here. Can we just go back to the room?”

“Okay, okay, hold on.

You want thrills?

Ooh, hey, see that little house past that crypt up there?”

“That decrepit shack up there?

Yeah, I see it.”

“Let’s go check it out.

See if we can get inside.”

“Inside?

So, breaking and entering isn’t enough for you?

Now you want to go and mess with a clearly haunted-ass old house?”

“I’ll go, but… you’re going in first, babe.”

“Whoa.

Pitch black in there.

Highly recommend putting on your phone flashlights before we go any further…”

“Okay, just be super careful, Lucas.

Seriously.

Our band has to have a drummer, so don’t die.”

“Yeah, yeah, you know me.

Mr. Careful.”

“What is this place, anyway?

Why’s it in the middle of a cemetery?”

“Probably the caretaker’s place, if I had to guess.

They used to live on-site if a cemetery was big enough.”

My eyes are having a hard time adjusting to the dark…

This place is in awful shape.

Looks like it’s been abandoned for a long, long time.

Kinda drafty in here.

Glad I grabbed my coat before we left the motel.

All this exposed brick on the walls is cool.

Boarded up windows…

and… ooh, caution tape blocking off a back room.

That’s not ominous at all.

Wonder what’s back there.

“So, has this fulfilled your Halloween fix?

Can we go back to the motel room and watch trash TV yet, or…?”

“Whoa.

What’s this?”

“There’s, like, dried candle wax all over the floor.

And… some weird symbol.

It totally looks like someone did a spell here.

I’m not even joking.”

“A spell?

For real?

Like a wiccan pagan spell kind of thing?

Let me see.

Oh my god, you’re right.

What’s that symbol?

Babe, come here, you might know.”

“Uh… no.

No, I’m not messing with any symbols or witch stuff.

You two should definitely not be standing on top of that.”

“Oh, what, now you’re scared?”

“Listen, I’ve seen enough horror movies to know how this goes.

You two get too close to that symbol, you get possessed by the ghost of the horny caretaker who used to live here or whatever, and you kiss me and drain the life out of me—”

“Is that so?”

“Mm, yeah.

That’s… that’s what I’d guess.”

“So… you gonna take that chance, then?”

“I guess so.”

“Camilla, come here…”

“Did you get possessed by the horny ghost spirit?

Gonna suck the life out of whoever you kiss next?”

“Guess you’ll have to kiss me and find out.”

Your eyes flash with… something, like you’re suddenly thinking about a secret only you know.

Camilla grins at you and… there’s a moment between you two.

A silent communication, a decision being made.

You look back at me, one eyebrow cocked, daring me to say ‘no’ to what you’re about to suggest.

We’ve done this before, the three of us together.

A couple of drunken three-way makeout sessions.

That one official “threesome” between us a couple of months ago.

Always with you in the middle.

Me and Camilla worshipping every inch of you.

I hold onto your hips from behind as you and Camilla kiss.

Your chemistry has always been obvious.

It still is.

“Mmm, come here…”

“Bite my chest… harder…”

“Does that make you wet?

Her mouth all over your tits…?”