Teach Me a Lesson (Audio Script)

Stories

“Is this…?”

“Yeah, come in!”

“Hey, I’m so sorry I’m late—”

“Hi, no, no worries at all.”

“You’re Professor Becker?”

“Ah, please, call me Roman.

No need for all the pleasantries.”

“Oh, hey, congratulations on the recent tenure, by the way.”

“Yeah, yeah, thank you.

It’s… well, it’s being bound to one institution for the rest of my career.

So, not sure if congratulations are the right fit, maybe condolences are more appropriate.”

You’re… not at all what I expected.

When I put out that email to the grad student listser looking for a German tutor, I was thinking, like, a native undergrad or maybe one of the TAs in the German department could help me out.

The only reply I got was from someone in my cohort suggesting you, the newly-tenured philosophy professor, would be happy to help.

And, yeah, I’ll admit, I had this picture in my head of an older German guy in a tweed suit with little patches on the elbows.

Maybe smoking from an old-timey pipe, surrounded by leather-bound books.

Stupid, naive, I know.

But… yeah.

You’re far from that.

You’re disheveled and there are little patches of white hair around your temples.

Plain white t-shirt under your blazer.

Black boots.

You just look more like best friend’s dad with a cool record collection than you do tenured philosophy professor.

“So, your email.

Can you remind me—you’re going to Dresden for a…?”

“Research fellowship.

Yeah, it’s kind of last minute.

I wasn’t planning on applying, but my advisor kept insisting, and then… yeah, I got it.

So, I’ve got my German basics down pretty well, but I could really use some help with higher-level research terms, stuff that will let me actually communicate with the people I’ll be working with.”

“What kind of research do you do?”

“Um, psychology.

Specifically sexual identity development and desire discrepancy.”

“Ah, okay, so we have some parallels in work, then.

I’ve been trying to push for a philosophy of psychology course in the department but no luck so far.”

“Maybe I’ll suggest a psychology of philosophy to my department chair next time I see her.”

“Very good.

Well, let’s see if we can teach you something useful today.”

Your voice is… nice, and… I can’t tell for sure, but I feel like your eyes are lingering on me.

You’re taking me in… observing me as you talk.

But it feels good.

It feels easy—being with you.

There’s just a comfort that I don’t normally feel with other professors.

Like you’re just… some guy… as opposed to a nationally-recognized philosopher with three books and a Mellon grant under your belt.

It’s no secret the university is…

Mm, how to put this lightly… a magnet for tight asses.

The prestige is definitely part of why I wanted to do my PhD here, but, damn, it’s so intense sometimes.

Always having to perform this role, take part in the bizarre academic hierarchy where the people with the most accomplishments are treated like gods.

I really can’t imagine what you’re doing here in a place like this.

You seem like you’re above it all.

Almost like you stumbled into it.

“Okay, hold on a second, let me find a pen and… my notebook…”

You tell me you’re going to write out some relevant terms I’ll need to know.

Stuff about psychology, research, that kind of thing.

You’re saying the words out loud as you write them, repeating them to me, asking me to repeat them… but I’m finding it hard to focus.

I might be overthinking this, but… it feels like there’s been a subtle change in our… dynamic… since you started the lesson.

Your eyes… they’re meeting mine more frequently.

They’re really striking.

And your mouth curls up in this… little smirk almost… when I get one of your questions wrong.

Not like you’re making fun of me or anything, but like… you’re just amused by me or something.

God, I… I really can’t figure you out…

Damn, I haven’t really been paying attention to what you’re saying.

And… I think you just asked me a question…

“So, ‘I am here for a research fellowship’ would be…?”

“Ah… Ich bin hier für…

ein…”

“Ein…?”

“Ein…Wissen…? Wissensstipendium.

Sorry, I’m… it’s been a long day.”

“Ein Forschungsstipendium. Looks like you have some studying to do.”

“Yeah, I, um… I… need to be taught a lesson.”

“Yeah… you do…”

My mouth is suddenly very dry.

You… I imagine you’re kidding, but… maybe you’re not.

Why did I say that?

Did I cross a line just now?

Did you?

Either way… I’m very much hoping you’re being serious because… wow.

The idea of you… I don’t know… spanking me for getting a vocabulary word wrong is doing something to me.

That was… bold, very bold of you, both of us really, given the whole ethics of this little arrangement.

Then again, it’s not like you’re my professor.

Technically, you’re just a colleague who works in another department…

The fact that you’re tutoring me is… irrelevant…

“In psychology, we call that negative reinforcement… and it’s not a very effective teaching method.”

“No?

Then, what is?”

“Well, positive reinforcement, for one.

For example, totally hypothetically… spanking someone for mispronunciation during their German lesson is less effective than… say… calling her a good girl when she uses a correct verb tense…”

“Good to know.”

It’s suddenly feeling a little warm in here.

What just happened between us?

I might be totally off, but… I get the sense that there’s some mutual understanding between us.

Like, we both know what’s happening, but neither of us is willing to make the first move.

“How about we take a… brief break, hm?

Give your mind a few moments to rest.”

“Yeah… sure.”

You stand up from your desk and stretch your arms above your head.

It’s probably been a long day for you, too.

Your body is lean, but broad.

There’s a solidity to you, but also a softness…

I get up out of my chair and walk over to the tall window behind your desk.

The sun is almost completely set and the campus looks dusty and orange from this view.

“So…”

“So…”

“What do you do when you are not thinking about psychology or trying to learn German?”

“Oh… well, not much, to be honest.

Research takes up a lot of my time.”

“Ah, but you must have other interests.

Even if you neglect them.”

“Yeah, I’m…

I’m really into cycling.

Like, long-distance, road biking, that kind of thing.”

“Oh, that’s fascinating.

As in… fifty, a hundred miles at a time?”

“More than that sometimes.

I don’t get out on the road as often as I’d like, but I try to do a twenty-mile circuit around town every Sunday.”

“I love that.

You must have great stamina.”

“Yeah, people don’t really believe me when I say it’s relaxing, but it is.

It’s just time for me to process the week, think ahead… or not think at all. What about you?

What do you do when you’re not philosophizing?”